I am in the midst of reading “Dark Nights of the Soul - A Guide to Finding Your Way Through Life’s Ordeals” by Thomas Moore.  It has an unrivaled depth within its pages and many profound truths that help make sense of the darkness you may feel after a life-change of some kind.

He writes, “A dark night of the soul is when you feel as if you are trapped in a mood or by external circumstances and can do little but sit and wait for liberation.”   

Yes, when you are in the midst of grieving and enduring that healing journey, there are many days when you may feel trapped in your pain and hurt. As if there is no way out of this dark mood that has overtaken your heart, soul and mind.  You search and search for something that feels good or solid and you just can’t find it.  You look ahead and all you see is more hurt.  

Or there could be external events that have trapped you in some way.  Let’s face it, you rarely, if ever, can control those external things that shape your life and impact your heart.   And, boy can they be gut-wrenching and maddening!  

There is nothing more frustrating that I know of than feeling trapped.  Especially if you are one who is independent and used to controlling things on some level. You may pride yourself on being strong and able to deal with many things at once.  And yet, at some point in your life, there will be something that comes along that hands you a sea of darkness like you’ve never known before.  

A metaphor in Moore’s book, that helps me when I feel trapped, reads, “Imagine that your dark mood or the external source of your suffering, is a large, living container in which you are held captive.  But this container is moving, getting somewhere, taking you to where you need to go…you are going somewhere, even though there are no external signs of progress.”

Moore states that this dark night/this time in your container is akin to being withdrawn from life…an incubation period that is preparing you for life.  He writes, “..darkness is natural, one of the life processes. There may be some promise, the mere suggestion that life is going forward, even though you have no sense of where you are headed. It is a time of waiting and trusting.”

It seems that when you feel trapped you have to wait and trust that things will be revealed when they are meant to. It seems that when you are looking for light you may have to wait for it to show up and trust that it will arrive in a way that is new.  It seems that you will come out of this “container” a different person than when you entered it.

One last word from Moore, “…a dark night has many important gifts for you.” In other words, feeling trapped may be exactly what you need to find the gift that lies ahead.

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I recently purchased and read, “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis. He wrote the book in the early 1960’s shortly after the loss of his beloved wife Joy.

Lewis had been a confirmed bachelor and married late in life. He and his wife were head-over-heels-in-love and had an intense, deep relationship where they, in his words, feasted on love and all that it offers.

Shortly after their wedding day Joy was diagnosed with cancer and after four years of wedded bliss and chemo treatments, she passed away. The book is written with raw emotions and poignantly describes grief. It is said that C.S. was never the same after her death and he died within 3 years of her passing.

There are many different passages I could pull out for this blog but for today I am going to refer to the part about trying to escape the pain that follows loss.

He writes, “…there is nothing we can do with suffering except to suffer it. There is no device which will make pain not be pain.” In other words, there really is no escaping the pain and despair of a deep loss. Sure, people try in a variety of ways and yet if you try to ignore the emotions and feelings and shove them deep within, they will burst out in some other way that may not be advantageous.

He goes on with, “Grief feels like fear. Perhaps, more strictly, like suspense. Or like waiting; just hanging about waiting for something to happen. It gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn. I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.”

Lewis has a way with words that profoundly describe what some people experience while in the dark stages of healing. I find comfort and freedom within the pages of his book; it is helpful to know that I am not the only one that has ever experienced those kind of feelings. It doesn’t mean that I have permission to wallow in grief the rest of my life but it does help make sense of all that goes on within me at times.

An interesting paradox is that in order to move on after a loss, you have to sit still for a while. You can’t escape the ugliness of despair.

Finding light requires you to experience your emotions, whatever they may be and find a healthy way to deal with them. It’s tough to do…but for your sake, and those around you, please, find a way.

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visit www.peggymcnamara.com